One of my biggest relationship and financial blunders was the severe lack of boundaries I had when I left my childhood home at 19 years old.
If you’ve been following my story, you know that I was raised where women were nearly owned by their fathers or husband, and boundaries were out of the question. Quiet, meek, submission and obedience were the only way to find safety in my childhood environment.
Learning to break out of these deeply ingrained patterns was not an easy thing to learn but that journey starts through one small step at a time and is one of the most important things I’ve ever learned.
Understanding the Essence of Healthy Boundaries
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; boundaries are not selfish. They are a tool that allows us to compassionately help others while staying in a place of love for them, and ourselves.
Healthy boundaries act as the cornerstone of self-worth, self-respect and are vital for fostering positive relationships, maintaining balance, and protecting your mental and emotional health.
Here are six tips to help you take your first steps towards healthy boundaries:
1. Know Thyself:
The journey toward establishing healthy boundaries begins with self-awareness. Take the time to reflect on your values, needs, and limits. (Having limits doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.)
What makes you comfortable or uncomfortable in different situations? Understanding yourself allows you to articulate your boundaries more clearly and confidently.
The best way to really get to know yourself is to spend time in solace. That means time with yourself without the distraction of your phone or TV shows.
“Let yourself be alone” is even Jay Shetty’s #1 rule in his book 8 Rules of Love. He says:
“We’ve been made to believe that if we’re not with someone that we’re inadequate or unworthy in some way, but being alone can actually be an incredible time to discover your personality, discover your values and discover your goals.”
Take some time to journal and consider what your values and priorities are. When you are clear about what is most important to you, you will start to see how flimsy boundaries are causing you to live an unbalanced life and leave you feeling resentful, drained, and deficient.
There will always be demands from others, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t make everyone happy. Don’t deplete yourself trying.
2. Clarity is Key:
Expressing your needs, desires, and limits to others is essential. Brene Brown says “clear is kind” and suggests that you be clear about what is okay and what is not okay.
For example, Alex and Jordan have been roommates for many years but recently, there have been some instances where money has caused a bit of tension between them. To address this, they decide to have an open and honest conversation about their financial boundaries.
What’s Okay:
- Splitting Bills: They agree that it’s okay to split bills for shared expenses, like rent and utilities. However, they decide that groceries will be an individual responsibility since it is important for Alex to eat organic food and Jordan would rather put the extra money towards her credit card debt.
- Communication: They establish that it’s important to communicate openly about their financial situations. If one of them is going through a tight financial period, or their priorities change, they should feel comfortable expressing that to the other person.
- Setting Budgets: Both Alex and Jordan agree that they should respect each other’s budget constraints. If one of them suggests an activity that might be expensive, they will discuss it beforehand and make a decision that accommodates both their budgets.
What’s Not Okay:
- Assuming Financial Equality: They agree that it’s not okay to assume that they are in the same financial situation. This means they will not suggest pricy activities without considering the other person’s budget.
- Judgment: They make it clear that passing judgment on each other’s spending habits or financial choices is not acceptable. Everyone has different financial priorities, and they respect each other’s decisions in that regard.
Want more tips? Check out this article. How to Set Boundaries – Brene Brown’s Advice (oprah.com)
3. Learn to Say ‘No’:
You might be thinking “Okay, Steph. This sounds great but how do I actually say no?”
First of all, remember that loving yourself and others through boundaries is not selfish. You can do this!
Secondly, you can say no without having to justify yourself.
Let’s say that your dad has been asking to borrow money from you for years. Sometimes he pays you back, sometimes he doesn’t. You’ve put yourself into some tight situations because he’s your dad….You’re supposed to help your family, right?
But you see his unhealthy patterns and know you are only enabling bad behavior. Or perhaps you simply can’t keep loaning him money and dig yourself out of the hole you’re in. How might that play out?
You could say something like “Dad, I am not able to lend money anymore but I would be happy to sit down with you and [look at your expenses, update your resume, etc] and see how we can fix this problem moving forward. When is a good time to do that?”
Once you have set a boundary; stick to it unless circumstances change and it is warranted.
4. Flexibility and Adaptability:
While setting boundaries is crucial, it’s equally important to recognize that life is dynamic. Circumstances change, and flexibility is key. Be open to reassessing and adjusting your boundaries as needed. What worked in one situation might need tweaking in another, and that’s perfectly okay.
5. Seek Support and Guidance:
Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is a continuous process that might require guidance. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or even professional counselors. Discussing your boundaries with someone you trust can provide valuable insights and help you refine your approach.
6. Mindfulness in Action:
Mindfulness is a powerful tool in boundary setting. Stay present in the moment, be attuned to your emotions, and listen to your intuition. Mindfulness allows you to navigate situations with clarity, making it easier to identify when your boundaries are being tested and respond appropriately.
Creating healthy boundaries is a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. It’s about recognizing your worth, communicating effectively, and prioritizing your well-being. By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, you pave the way for stronger relationships, increased self-respect, and a more balanced and fulfilling life. Embrace the journey, set those boundaries, and watch as you grow into a version of yourself that is more resilient, authentic, and in control of your own narrative.
I love hearing your stories! Feel free to drop me a note and let me know how you are putting boundaries in place.
