Boundaries were one of the hardest things for me to learn.
Growing up in a conservative household where putting others first at all costs was not only a virtue, but a requirement, boundaries felt like a sin.
I felt like if I were to put boundaries in place, I would not only be selfish, but perhaps even alone. I was afraid that I would be seen as a b***h and my relationships would be damaged. I didn’t want to make other people upset.
I know I am not the only one who has struggled.
We are in the midst the holiday whirlwinds of shopping, holiday parties, and family gatherings where we see people who have differing views, values, and expectations of how things should be. If you are not careful, the holidays can quickly become stressful and tense leaving you feeling depleted and resentful; the opposite of the love and peace that is meant to be felt during this season.
So how do you turn it around?
Brene Brown has taught me so much about boundaries. I am forever grateful for the work and research she has brought to the world. Brene, if you read this, you’re my hero!
Her research has found that the most compassionate people are the most boundaried. We cannot pour from an empty cup. We have to take care of ourselves and protect our energy so that we can continue to show up as the best version of ourselves in the long term.
The biggest “ah-ha” moment I had was when my husband, Joe, and I were having a conversation before we just started dating. I was recently divorced and was trying to help a friend but she was asking a lot from me. I knew how important it was to her for me to be involved in something that was very dear to her, but it meant that I would need to leave the country during the holidays and be away from my two little girls for a couple weeks.
Joe told me that if I stretched myself too far and did not communicate my boundaries, that I would end up feeling loads of resentment towards her. I knew he was right. It had happened before…several times with many different people. I would give until I couldn’t give anymore and that’s when I would withdrawal and the relationship would fizzle.
That’s when it clicked for me…boundaries are not selfish. They preserve the right relationships and keep us in a place of compassion.
Putting boundaries in place can feel a bit overwhelming so we are going to do a series to really explore what it means to have good, kind, boundaries.
To start off this series, here are three tips to help you navigate the holiday season with grace and ensure that your well-being remains a top priority.
1. Clarify Your Priorities
One of the first steps to setting successful boundaries during the holidays is to clarify your priorities. Take a moment to reflect on what truly matters to you. Identify the activities, events, and traditions that bring you joy and align with your values. By understanding your priorities, you can make intentional choices about where to invest your time and energy. Saying “yes” to one thing means saying “no” to something else. Say “yes” to what matters.
For example, if spending quality time with immediate family is a top priority for you, consider dedicating specific days or evenings solely for these close connections. Communicate your intentions with others, letting them know that you are intentionally carving out time for your immediate family, and may not be available for every event or gathering.
This isn’t just for the holidays either. At our house, we have family movie nights every Friday and this is important to all of us so we do not make other plans for that night.
2. Learn to Say ‘No’ Gracefully
Saying ‘no’ can be a challenging skill to master, especially during the holiday season when invitations pour in from all directions. However, it’s a crucial aspect of setting boundaries and preserving your peace. Remember, saying ‘no’ is not a rejection of others; it’s an affirmation of your own needs.
Practice saying ‘no’ gracefully by expressing gratitude for the invitation and explaining your current commitments. You might say, “Thank you so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I have prior commitments during that time, but I appreciate the invitation.” This approach communicates your appreciation for the invitation while respectfully declining.
Be mindful of overcommitting to events or activities out of guilt or obligation. Look at what you can realistically do and commit only to what you can reasonably handle without sacrificing your well-being. This not only protects your time and energy but also ensures that the commitments you do make are more meaningful and enjoyable.
3. Establish Digital Boundaries
In today’s digitally connected world, the holidays can bring an influx of messages, invitations, and expectations through various communication channels. To protect your mental and emotional well-being, consider establishing digital boundaries.
Designate specific times for checking emails and social media to avoid constant notifications and interruptions. Communicate to friends and family that you may not be readily available to respond to messages during certain hours. This allows you to be present in the moment and prevents the constant pull of digital distractions.
Also consider setting boundaries around work-related communications, especially if you are taking time off during the holidays. Clearly communicate your availability to colleagues and clients in advance, and set expectations about response times. This not only allows you to enjoy your holiday break fully but also sets a precedent for healthy work-life boundaries.
The holiday season should be a time of joy, connection, and self-care. By clarifying your priorities, learning to say ‘no’ gracefully, and establishing digital boundaries, you can navigate the festivities with a sense of control and fulfillment. Remember that setting boundaries is not a selfish act; it’s a necessary step towards ensuring that your holidays are truly merry and boundaried. This is a gift to yourself that keeps giving.
Next week we will talk about how to create healthy boundaries. Make sure to subscribe so that you don’t miss it!