Money is one of the top three things couples argue about.
But money disagreements aren’t usually just about money. They are about safety, belonging, and trust and happen when we are not in agreement about how to move forward.
We usually find safety in money in different ways than our partners. For example, while you might feel very strongly that money should be saved and invested, your partner feels with just as much passion that you only live this life once and should spend money to go to dinner, take that trip, and live life to the fullest.
How do you have a productive conversation about money with your partner when you feel so differently about how it should be used?
Start with Understanding
Take some time when emotions are level and just talk about what money means to you. What is important and why?
Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. wrote in an article More Than Money for the Gottman Institute:
“When talking about finances with your partner, remember that money is a symbol, a tool, and a metaphor. Don’t take this money issue so literally that you’re not able to open your heart and mind and be receptive to a deeper conversation with your partner on this topic. The complex conversation you can have is about how each of you were shaped and influenced by your life experiences with wealth, responsibility, or worry regarding financial security. This will become an important foundation from which you can understand each other.”
Maybe your partner grew up in a household that struggled financially, and they feel safe by feeling prepared for the unexpected. On the other hand, perhaps you view money as a tool for experiences and enjoyment. Respect and understanding are key here. Open up the conversation by sharing your own experiences and listening to your partner’s. This sets the stage for a more productive discussion.
Come Together
If your partner could have everything their way, what would life in 15 years look like? What would it look like for you? What are the common elements that show up for both of you?
If you both want to stop working at some point in the future and travel, how important is that to you? What are you willing to do to get yourself to the point where you can have that flexibility?
Outline short-term and long-term goals, allowing both of you to see the bigger picture. When you have a shared vision, it becomes easier to compromise and make decisions that benefit both of you.
If something your partner wants something that seems silly or unimportant to you, try asking them why it is important to them. It will help you understand your partner better and get to know them in ways you haven’t before.
Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities
Once you’ve laid the groundwork for understanding and set shared goals, it’s time to divvy up the responsibilities.
What are you good at? What are your partner’s strengths? Designate roles based on what you are each good at and enjoy. If one of you likes crunching numbers, they might take the lead on spending plan and tracking expenses. The other might love shopping and takes care of those errands. The key is to make sure both partners feel involved and informed about the financial decisions being made.
Set Clear Financial Boundaries
Based on what you agree is important, get clear on spending, saving, and investing expectations. Make sure both partners are comfortable with the parameters set. This may involve compromise – finding a middle ground that respects each other’s financial comfort zones.
Having boundaries doesn’t mean that you have to go overboard and become Scrooge. Your spending should be in alignment with both of your values.
One tip that works well for many couples is for each partner to have a certain amount of spending money that they can spend without judgment. My husband and I each have our own accounts outside of the joint accounts we use for bills for this reason.
Schedule Regular Money Check-Ins
One of the things that stood out to me the most in listening to Jay Shetty’s book “8 Rules of Love” is when he spoke about how we all set certain expectations in our relationships. When we are in a long-term relationship we are going to change and grow and sometimes those expectations no longer fit, and we need to make space in our relationship for change.
With this information, I now make it a point to touch base with my husband from time to time to check in and see if we need to change the way we handle money (and other household duties).
Schedule regular money check-ins where you can openly discuss your financial situation, address concerns, and celebrate victories. These conversations should be judgment-free zones where both partners can express their feelings and ideas. Make it a habit to review your progress toward shared goals and recalibrate your financial boundaries if needed.
Money doesn’t have to be a source of tension in your relationship. Tackle this issue together and use it as a way to grow closer together. Remember, it’s not about changing your partner’s mindset but finding a balance that respects both perspectives. With clear boundaries and open communication, you’ll be well on your way to a financially harmonious relationship.
If this seems overwhelming, I often work with couples who have different financial goals. I listen to both sides and work with them to make a plan so they can bring those goals together and start putting bite size action items into place so they can move together in the right direction. If you would like help, let’s schedule a quick chat.